Conflict arising from problematic communication patterns is one the most common reason for relationship struggles. Often, stress can result from adjusting to major life changes such as having a baby, moving home, or starting a new job, where expectations differ and partners are both adapting to the reality of their individual experiences.
Changes in behaviours expectations, and roles as a couple progresses through various stages of a relationship present many opportunities for conflict and problematic communication patterns often highlight an underlying issue that couples bring forward during counselling.
Differences in communication styles and behavioral patterns between partners can lead to conflict. It's not surprising that as adults, we often imitate the communication style we observed from our parents during childhood. For instance, if you grew up with a parent who handled conflict by shutting down and avoiding any confrontational or emotional discussions, you're likely to adopt the same approach in your adult relationships. After all, this is what was role modelled to you in your childhood from your first teachers, your parents. In an adult relationship, this kind of coping mechanism is ineffective and can be more detrimental than beneficial. However, maladaptive (unhelpful) coping mechanisms are a topic for another blog.
While conflict is usually unpleasant, it’s normal and a predictable part of a healthy relationship. While conflict by itself is not necessarily damaging to a relationship, excessive and destructive conflict or conflict that is violent in nature, has negative personal and relationship consequences. Often, conflict escalates when couples experience crisis in their lives, which may prompt them to seek relationship counselling.
There are four negative communication patterns in relationships that often lead to relationship breakdowns: Criticism vs Complaint, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. These negative communication patterns that often lead to relationship breakdowns are otherwise known as the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
1) Criticism vs Complaint
Criticism tends to be more about attacking an individual's character rather than focusing on the actual problem at hand. Criticism may sound like "well, if you had something important to say maybe I would listen, instead you just nag nag nag" or "I asked you to do the dishes, but you didn't listen, as usual, you never listen".
Complaint on the other hand, is when the problem is brought into focus rather than an attack on the individual person, for example "I was scared when you were running late and didn't call me, I thought we agreed we would do that for each other". When a person feels attacked for something, a common response would be to retaliate or get defensive, which encourages an ongoing dysfunctional cycle of communication. If one is criticised then it's unlikely that the actual problem will be resolved effectively.
2) Contempt
Contempt arises when an individual intends to hurt another person, to demean them, and make them feel worthless and despised. It can sometimes be a sign of a controlling or narcissistic partner. Although it may seem harsh, it occurs more frequently than one might expect. Contempt can manifest as verbal abuse, including yelling, name-calling, insults, humor, mockery, threats, and put-downs disguised as "jokes". It also encompasses trivialising, berating, taunting, and contemptuous body language. This form of communication is particularly problematic as it has serious negative implications on the dynamics of relationships and a couple's ability to effectively resolve conflict. It often results in heightened emotions and tensions which can contribute to problematic behavioral patterns and an unhealthy relationship.
3) Defensiveness
No one likes to feel wrongly accused. When this happens, we might make excuses so
our partner can stop. This is called defensiveness and once it sets in, it means the couple is no longer working as a team.
During defensiveness, a person denies, makes excuses, and uses cross-complaining. As a result, a partner may distance themselves and leave conflict unresolved, walking away and leaving a feeling of lingering frustration between the couple.
4) Stonewalling
Stonewalling, also known giving the "cold shoulder," often occurs when couples reach a point of giving up and decide it's easier to remove themselves from the conversation altogether. When one person becomes a "stone wall," they shut down and close themselves off from the other, intending to convey contempt. This gesture highlights not only retaliation but also helplessness. Isolating oneself to avoid is not beneficial to conflict resolution and can lead to the accumulation of frustration that escalates over time.
If you identify with any of these unhelpful communication styles and they're impacting your relationship, it's often best to reach out for support earlier rather than later.
In addition to the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse", there are a number of common communication problems amongst couples which can be helpful to know about.
If you'd like to know more about how to improve communication in your relationship, Click the button below to download your FREE guide "The Communication Tactics to Avoid if you want a Healthy Relationship".
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